Lots have happens these few days.. and I really gone gaga. 

So there is this one time.. I gathered all my courage to confess. 

Everything.. literally screwed up. 

Not sure is it in a good way.. but in any case, it's not doing any good.

This is the time where I feel an empty heart is always better than one filled. 

He never gave me a clear answer.. At first I was waiting, until now... it's was nothing . 

I knew what he gave is a no.. but it's not clear enough.. to clear up this heart mess. 

To be honest. I'm a mess myself. 

I'm not clear with what I want. 

Even with someone in the heart, yet I fall for something else.

I know it's not good..  but I couldn't resist it. 

All the protection and caring given. 

Why am I such a bitch? 

but I'm clear with being his friend. I hope. 

This could be the one time I fall for a friend.. but I hope it never continued. 

One said : " If this continue, it could bloom to something else. " 

well.. I certainly hope that will not happen. 

I really appreciate for what he did for me. 

I like him as a brother. 

I care him as a brother. 

Sometimes I really do miss him.. but it's a different kind . 

What's the story in the end? 

I'm not quite sure myself. 

I'm finding my own answer. 

I hate being a girl. 

Why do we fall for someone who treats us good? 

I gave myself an excuse : " I'm not flower hearted .. I just keep falling to those who treats me best. I just keep falling to those who take cares of me. I just keep finding the one that will give me the best protection. " 

Is that even correct? 

I don't know.. but I couldn't agree more. 

but hey.. I really like you. Why don't you believe that? 

Why do you have to make myself look like a fool wandering around you? 

Why don't you just give me a big NO and give me a better reason to fall for someone else. 

because of the presence of him, I couldn't stop questioning myself : " How much do I really like you ? " 

Can you give me a clearer answer? Please. 

For once. I beg you . 

These days.. really had happened a lot. 

Probably is because this imbalance of hormones.. 

I'm getting super emotional. I get disturbed. Even by the smallest things. 

One day when I was surfing the net as usual.

I saw my best friend.. who is currently working at the same place as me. 

She's really a good person.. she's like super sociable. 

She was able to blend in with the other shop's part timers in such a short time. 

but me? I'm such a loser. 

I started thinking why she can do it... why I can't..

What the real problem??

This doesn't seems good for me though.. 

Why I can't do such simple things well?

Is it because I'm always lack of confidence? 

Is it because I'm always closing myself up? 

Is it because I'm scared to be hurt? 

Is it because I'm underestimating my abilities? 

I need an answer. 

I really miss those times when we gather around and just release our stress on drums. 

I miss those times when we were working hard just to make a performance real perfect. 

I miss those times when we are always at each other's back . 

I miss us all together in one. 

When are we going back to be one family...?

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? 

If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity? 

22.2.2014.

12.17am.