Finally , I could sit down and face my own.

It's was Thursday that I throw everything out of my heart.
I wasn't complaining about my life for the first time.
It was the first time, I choose to accept who and what am I.

Thank you, my buddy for listening me out.
So that day I was going on about the thing that why I'm an introvert.

That introvert was a long story consisting of my family member's age gap I personally think.
They are too old for me to talk about kid talks.. so I don't really talk much about myself in home.
In the end, I'm not really good with words which literally disappoint everyone with my so-called " no manners"
I'm not a girl who have no manners.. I just feel awkward saying those mushy stuffs to people who are closed to you..
Speaking about close, I thought they were suppose to understand me for I'm that kind of person who displays every expressions on my face.
Seems like I have misunderstand something about close relationships.

I don't remember what me and buddy talked, which then leads to the tragedy two years ago.
It was about the girl again.. I don't know why I'm so obsess with her. Hahaha..
I was telling her about the story where we both first met and how I didn't like her before and the day I realizes I like her and ready to confess and something tragic happened.
After telling the story , I was like : " WOW ! I'm a talented story  teller! "
but maybe it's because I'm not faking a story that makes able to speak out so easily with every detail..
* now that I think about it, I should have wrote this story into my essay to earn marks .. but nah. *

But after the story telling session, I realizes something.
I wasn't really in love with him who I met two weeks after the tragedy.
It was more like a substitution where she's is not around.
I wasn't sure about when I told my buddy this, but the she confirmed me with : " Yeah, I can feel that you don't really is in LOVE with him ."
So I will take the confirmation and continue with my story.

So about that substitution...
I think mostly people would have a substitution for someone who meant so much to them before...
It's just that, she left me such a big hole and asked me to deal with this alone..
I can't do it at such a young age!
I think that's probably why I'm so keen of his love, which later on really bring me into super big problems.

Now that I think, I don't need a substitution to fill up the hole she left me.
I need to let time do its job and heal me in a jiffy.
At first , I thought that I was so incredible by forgetting someone who meant so much in two weeks time.
But it was all just because the substitution has done his job healing me just a minute faster.
but, taking shortcuts means paying the price....
I have him ruining my friendship and so.....

I never knew she really matters to me so much in my life.
I never knew, without her I could be a total bitch who fight for the love she thought once was real and which is not by then when I'm clear.
I never knew she then changes me back to the old me I was before.
Maybe I'm not that good ( * good as in guai ) like before. At least I'm not that bitchy anymore?

I've cleared up my mind.
I don't need him.
The one I need her, but since I'm not the one she wants... The one I need would be something like her.
Who give me big changes in my life.
I need people who changes me unintentionally and after that changes me from bad to good.

I really do have personality problems, but.. really...
It not really a big deal now, since I don't really care about people I do not know.


I hope to find someone who understands me and who I understands too. :) 
I need someone like her. 

Upon reminisce, I've been thinking about her a lot lately and I realize .. 
Two years of loving, isn't really a easy thing to throw out. 
I wish I could tell her, but no.. It doesn't really matters now as I hope to walk this life ON MY OWN until I met someone right. 

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